Going Back and Never Coming Back?

I keep thinking about what to do this summer. I know I'm not going to camp, I've closed that chapter of my life for now. I also know I can't afford to go to DC. A lot of people are telling me to go to Israel for the summer, but there is one serious problem with that. If I spend any length of time in Israel I'm fairly certain that I won't come home...

About 3 months before I graduated from high school I proudly told my mother over dinner one evening that I was going to make Alyiah. My mom was stunned. Frankly she had good reason. At that point I had never been to Israel, I had only experienced Israel through my summer Hebrew immersion. Nevertheless I felt a deep connection with my people's homeland and like young people of the past I wanted to go and make a new life. Obviously I didn't leave after graduation, and a lot of it has to do with my parents 'gentle' guidance.

I know that going back to Israel this summer is a bad idea if I want to finish up my schooling here.

Closing one out...

Here I sit deep in thought...

What am I contemplating...

If my life was a book, there wouldn't be too much to it at this point. Sure there are some high points and some low points, but I'm young. The book isn't that long. There is enough for there to be some chapters which have ended.

Right now I'm in the process of closing a chapter of my life...

From the age of 8 years old, Olin Sang Ruby Union Institute was my summer home. It was more than just a summer camp for me. It was a place for me to be who I really was. My life floated from summer to summer. I couldn't wait to get back to that magical place with all its memories and wonderful times. So much of my life happened on the grounds of that camp. I really found myself and made friends which certainly have stood the test of time. I even went back and became a counselor to give younger kids the same experience I had.

I love OSRUI and last summer I made an incredibly difficult decision not to go back. After thirteen straight summers I chose to break and try to find something new. I had an amazing summer in DC and probably found where I'm going to end up for the rest of my life. This year when it came time to figure out my summer plans, I once again applied to OSRUI to be a counselor, but I've made a decision to close that chapter of my life. Of course I'm sad, but its time to let go and write the last word.
So...
Shalom Union Institute Shalom. I'll miss you, but I'll always have my memories.

Sometimes you think chapters are closed...

On February 13th 2004 I made a decision to close a chapter of my life in two ways. That was the day that two very significant decisions were made. First I decided that I would apply for transfer from UWMilwaukee. I didn't know where to, but I knew it was time to leave. The second decision was to break up with my girlfriend from the time.

Ellie was my first real love. There is no way to get around it. Things were amazing between the two of us until I went to Israel and fell in love with another...Eretz Yisrael. As soon as I returned from my Birthright trip, my life was changed. I knew I was kidding myself as a music major and I knew that Milwaukee wasn't for me. When I explained this all to Ellie, her reaction told me that it wasn't meant to be. It was not an easy decision to make nor was it easy on either of us. She and I stopped talking shortly after the breakup. I don't think we spoke more than a few sentences to one another in almost two years until...

On Tuesday night she IMed me out of the blue. I was completely unprepared to deal with the situation. I thought I had closed that chapter of my life. It took me a long time to get over her. She wants to know why it all happened.

Sometimes the chapters of your life aren't as closed as you think they are.

Try the new picture thing again

 

Something's Missing

By my previous posts and the title of this blog I'm guessing you think this is about my romantic life or my school life...its not so read on.

Today I had work at Temple Israel staffing the 9th grade program. Despite the serious lack of communication among the staff, the programming went very well. The parents and kids all seemed to have fun and learned a lot about Jewish values, the whole point of the thing.

The problem arose on the car ride home. I sat in the car with Emily and Carly and said aloud, I think I'm done after this year, even though in my head I knew I was in fact lying to myself. I can't live without being a part of something like the 9th grade program.

Last semester was one of the most stressful times of my life, the youth group, school, the frat I tried to juggle it all. While I wasn't as successful at keeping all the balls in the air, it was also the happiest I've ever been in my life. While I didn't look forward to the bus trips to Temple for tedious staff meetings and administrative headaches, I loved working with the kids. There's no way around it, I miss my old job.

There have been a few very difficult decisions in my life to date, and resigning from the TIPTY adviser position was by far one of the hardest for me. I had waited my whole life to be in that position and now it is gone. There is indeed something missing in my life, it is all the drama, stress, love, and fun that came to my life from being a youth advisor. I can't wait to be in a position to do it again.

Torn

Lately I feel torn between oh so many different choices.

These choices never seem clear even after they have been made. I'm torn between two futures and I don't know where to go from here. On the one hand I can go to law school and take that path, and on the other hand I could go to rabbinic school. These are both great ideas and options for where to end up, but lately I'm wondering why I'm so torn. Could it be a sign that I really don't want either of these two and I'm simply wasting my life? Could it be that somewhere inside my head I'm projecting my other problems onto this future one?

Sometimes I feel so lost by my life. Falling from a cliff is the imagery which seems to come to mind. Floating in a free fall also flashes across my mind.

While, the future of my life is an important thing for me to mull over in my head, its a ways off. Right now I'm torn between something else. This one is about my personal life, but I guess you could call it more acurately my romantic life. Without going into too much detail, there are choices to be made in the very near future, and I am simply torn. Maybe I should just give up and not decide. Maybe I should let the decision happen without any input from me.

I'm totally lost.

The not Sex, Sex blog

Sex, it seems to absolutely everywhere today...and I fucking hate hearing about it at this point.

Someone told me that sex was missing from my life. I disagree wholeheartedly. The one thing missing from my life is not sex, but rather companionship. While some would say that the best part of a girlfriend is the sex, I say its having someone to share your intimate moments with. Surprisingly most of those moments don’t have to do with being naked.

Hmm maybe some thoughts

Jessica, this one is for you....

So tonight I sat in a room full of people. To my right sat a glass of gin and to my left sat Hebrew books. The initial goal was to study Hebrew with Lindsay, Abby, and Elissa. Quickly it became a social occasion instead. However, this time I decided to do something different. Instead of talking with everyone I chose to remain silent and listen.

Instead of listening I ended up thinking...

I have recently realized that I'm not entirely sure what the hell I'm doing in college. What the hell am I doing? I know I shouldn't live life with any regrets, but maybe I should have taken a year off before coming up to Minnesota.

I’m fairly certain that there’s something missing in my life. That thing missing is a girlfriend. Here’s the thing, I’ve only really had one real girlfriend. It ended very badly and I can’t even stand to be in the same room with her.

I want to find someone, but I seem to be looking for love in all the wrong places. All I seem to have gotten from this has been heartache. I'm not sure where to go next. I want to find someone to be my better half, just don't know how.

There you go my deep thoughts in blog form. I kinda like it.

Today was a good day...

Today was a good day, not entirely sure why, but it was a good day. I slept a solid 9 hours last night which was a good start. It was nice to finally just sleep a full night. I wish I remembered the dream I was having just before I woke up, because it was probably really good.

I love Thursdays because I only have one class to deal with, and today I actually did my Hebrew homework. So I wasn't even embarrassed to go to class and speak up. After Hebrew I hit the gym with Brian. Finally we're on some semblance of a normal schedule for working out again. Hopefully we can keep it up through the semester.

I met with my Academic Advisor today and found out that I can graduate with a Jewish Studies Major and Political Science Minor! YAY! I'm going to graduate in a degree in being useless to society and unemployment! So now its time to seriously consider some sort of post-graduate education.

I'm not at the crossroad yet, but might as well prepare which way I'm going to turn now.